Are You in Love or in Limerence?
A Brief Explanation of Romantic Obsession
The term limerence was coined by psychologist Dorothy Tennov in the 1970’s to describe a growing phenomenon in individuals who experience overwhelming feelings of infatuation toward romantic interests that can escalate into what feels like a compulsive addiction-like obsession with a particular person or relationship. Typically, the person of interest or object of desire carries an element of being either completely or somewhat unavailable, uninterested, or unknown which creates a relational imbalance that yields a hope for eventual reciprocation, and that fuels the obsession.
To some degree, everyone is capable of having experiences similar to limerence in small doses. These experiences would likely be more accurately defined as infatuation, which can be a very normal and healthy part of the beginning stages of a relationship, classically known as the honeymoon phase. Infatuation in its healthy form eventually fades and gives way to a genuine and deeper sense of love and lasting affection toward its object that feels rooted and stable. Limerence, however, differs from healthy temporary infatuation as limerence can persist and intensify, often morphing into behaviors of compulsion and obsession that closely resemble that which is observed in active addiction. Limerence usually yields feelings of emotional and relational chaos as opposed to relational stability.
What makes someone more vulnerable to experiencing intense romantic obsession or patterns of limerence within relationship? Childhood emotional neglect and/or abuse cause for one’s needs to go chronically unmet through childhood, which can make that person far more prone to becoming an adolescent or adult who is conditioned to seek validation and love from unattainable sources.
Unmet childhood needs, whether emotional or physical, is closely connected to the development of insecure attachment, low self-worth, and undefined identity, all of which also make a person more susceptible to behaviors of limerence within their relationships in adolescence and adulthood.
Additionally, there have been observable links between limerence and individuals who have ADHD due to hyperfocus tendencies and lower baseline dopamine receptivity levels. Individuals who engage in excessive social media use are also susceptible to limerence patterns due to a sense of indirect connection with a person of interest and increased access to monitor a person of interest all while allowing you to maintain an idealistic perception of that person and unrealistic relationship ideals conveyed through social media.
What are signs you may be in a state of limerence?
If you wonder if you may have experienced limerence in a past relationship or if you are currently enduring limerence in a present relational dynamic, here is a list of some of the key indicators you may be functioning from a state of limerence:
Obsessive or fixated thinking about a person or relationship that feels hard to control
Uncontrollable emotional highs and lows tied to the responses of a person
Sacrificing time, energy, and well‑being for the sake of keeping a person or relationship in your life
Feeling isolated and disconnected from other aspects of life outside of a specific person or relationship
Feelings of relational intensity that get mistaken for genuine relational intimacy
Compulsive need for connection with a person or relationship
Compulsive behaviors to foster real or perceived closeness with a person of interest, which may include:
- compulsive and repetitive checking of their social media activity
- uncontrollable urges to initiate contact via text or phone in spite of limited or non-
reciprocal responses from the other person
- intentionally visiting or driving by places or locations where you know the person of
interest is likely to be, usually in hopes that you’ll run into them
- excessive mental daydreaming about being with this person
- engaging in certain activities or experiences that remind you of a person and/or
make you feel close to someone who feels out of reach
Patterns of becoming attached quickly and intensely to a potential partner
Willingness to ignore or justify red flags in a potential partner to avoid an ending to the relationship
Overwhelming fear of being left alone or being abandoned
Feeling as though any chance of personal happiness or peace is directly dependent upon the state of your relationship
Feeling powerless to end a relationship in spite of recognizing its damaging effects
Enduring frequent break up / make up cycles with your partner
During break up periods or gaps of distance, you experience “withdrawal” symptoms from that person such as strong cravings or urges to connect with them
You feel legitimately unable to terminate a dysfunctional relationship or move on.
One of the cruelest parts of limerence that makes it particularly miserable and destructive for a person, is that it creates this chronic state of holding or limbo where you feel legitimately unable to terminate a dysfunctional relationship or move on from a relationship in case the other person were to come back or in case they become the idealized version that you have been waiting for them to become. Many times, individuals who are vulnerable to limerence are usually drawn toward relationships that harbor a sort of push-pull dynamic that creates intermittent reinforcement (i.e., willingness to endure the pain and dysfunction of being on bad terms with someone to hold out for when it might get good again).
Limerence is Addictive
It is this intermittent reinforcement that makes these dynamics so addictive to the brain because it keeps the brain fixated on when the next “hit” might come – when they might text you back, when they might come back around after a disconnect, when they might reciprocate affection, etc. You don’t know when the next “hit” will come, but you know that it will come at some point… if you just hold on a little longer.
This addictive quality keeps many individuals in a state of limerence or utter fixation that feels hard to break free from. It is also what keeps people staying in dysfunctional relationships and/or going back to them over and over again. If this resonates with you, it’s important for you to realize that that truth of the matter is not that you are crazy or broken or have no morals or relational standards. The truth of the matter is that your brain may very likely be engaged in a very real neurochemical addictive loop. The good news is that addiction – and addiction-like experiences such as romantic obsession and limerence – are mendable.
What does recovery from limerence and other forms of romantic obsession look like?
Acknowledgement and awareness are the first step. Learning about relational addiction, limerence, attachment, and related topics such as those touched on in this blog can help to give you language to better identify the disruptive patterns and behaviors you notice in your life.
Personal therapy can be a great tool to support you through your healing by exploring some of the following: the art of healthy detachment, establishing healthy interpersonal boundaries, identifying what your relational expectations and needs are, distinguishing between idealistic versus realistic standards in a partner, identifying unmet childhood needs and learning how to meet those needs within yourself and for yourself as an adult, secure attachment patterns, establishing appropriate self-care strategies to build a life you don’t feel a need to escape from, and learning how to enjoy your own company.
About the Author
Hannah Lemmon, MA. Ed, LPC
Therapist
Hannah holds a master's degree in Clinical Mental Health Counseling from Malone University and is a trauma-informed Licensed Professional Counselor. She has basic training in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Trust-Based Relational Intervention (TBRI), Sand Tray Therapy, Internal Family Systems (IFS), and Acceptance & Commitment Therapy (ACT). Hannah is passionate about the integration of faith-based components into therapeutic treatment as it helps to facilitate sustainable health and healing within the mental, emotional, physical, relational, and spiritual elements of her clients' lives. She uses an integrative and attachment-focused approach to meet the unique needs of individuals of all ages and backgrounds. Hannah's aim is to cultivate a space that mirrors the compassion and tenderness of a loving God that allows her clients to feel safe, seen, heard, and known.